Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I'm still kickin!
HEY!
So i realize it has been approximately 15 months since my last post. apologies, apologies. its been a wild year though! I have plenty of pent up musings to let loose. i'll for sure dive into each of them in individual posts so this one will just be an overview in a virtual nutshell and a reassurance that I am still alive, and i still have things to say!
So Darren and I got married. yay! we just celebrated our first year and are now into our new year. (complete with resolutions.) i figured that now we have survived year numero uno we just have to do about 80 more of those!
its been an adventure, to say the least. we were enrolled to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in Redding, California but through a series of divinely intervening events we ended up not going and went to Maui to volunteer at the Haggai Institute for three months instead! I was ok with that :) God has hugely blessed us since we got home from that in November/11. While we were there someone told us that God would treat the months we spent there as a tithe, and it seems like he has. Before we left we had a hard time finding a new place to live that was within our budget and loveable. we also had troubles finding second jobs. i really wanted a pet but that wasn't working either. as soon as we got home we got amazing jobs that we love and our schedules are pretty much the same. we found a beautiful apartment that we love. and we have pets! its just been a really cool year learning to trust God and walk in obedience. I still struggle with personal discipline but i will never claim to be a completed work :)
I'm excited to go into detail about the individual events but for now ta-ta! and stay tuned :)
Friday, February 18, 2011
where there's a pile of ashes there's a symbol of new beginnings
yesterday while reading Oswald's suggested bible reference i came across something that blew my mind! maybe its one of those experiences that is really vivid to the person experiencing it and not so much for someone who has to hear about it second hand... but either way... im throwing it down! i have to.
i want to talk about Elijah and Elisha.
i don't want to butcher the story by paraphrasing so i'll let Biblegateway do the recounting. The first part of 1 Kings 19 is really important to sift through but i'm going to skip down to 1 Kings 19:19..
The Call of Elisha.
19 So Elijah went from there and found Elisha son of Shaphat. He was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen, and he himself was driving the twelfth pair. Elijah went up to him and threw his cloak around him.
20 Elisha then left his oxen and ran after Elijah. “Let me kiss my father and mother goodbye,” he said, “and then I will come with you.”
“Go back,” Elijah replied. “What have I done to you?”
21 So Elisha left him and went back. He took his yoke of oxen and slaughtered them. He burned the plowing equipment to cook the meat and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he set out to follow Elijah and became his servant.
what??? that's incredible! as far as i could tell Elisha didn't know Elijah from any other strange man running onto fields throwing cloaks at people. (I did a little research and discovered that the act of casting your cloak on someone is a symbol of adoption because a father naturally clothes his children. There was an immediate mutual understanding of a father/son/mentor relationship between them.)
then there is the fact that Elisha is plowing with 12 teams of oxen. he must have had an incredible estate to be plowing around that amount of livestock! to follow this man he didn't know into a life of uncertainty would be a considerable amount of material loss, as well as the loss whatever social status he may have possessed.
But he did it! and not only did he agree to leave the life he knew, and the life he was living quite successfully to follow and serve his new leader.. he did so much more! he turned around, slaughtered his livestock and then proceeded to BURN his farming equipment to create a fire to cook his own farewell banquet. He could have bought a cow for slaughter, he could have chopped down a tree, could have hired a caterer, could have sold his cows and equipment, or he could have just kissed his parents goodbye and not even bothered with the mess. but he made a choice! he made the choice to leave his life and wander into a journey unknown and the thought of returning to the life he once had was not even an option. By the worlds standards this man was crazy. Insane even! but he had discovered something far more valuable than equipment, cows, social status or even family... he had the call of God on his life and he went on to conquer and rule and live a life much more abundant than the one he left... all because of an act of faith and obedience. his decision to destroy the things tying him to where he was at was a symbol of the concrete decision he had made. No turning back.
This story really challenged and inspired me! if Elisha can follow a stranger into a new life by the coordinating of God then how much more should i be willing to burn the things that hinder me to follow God himself, who I do know? God, who has cloaked me in life by his death and adopted me as his heiress and his daughter. i want to live my life in an act of obedience that doesn't take convincing or hesitation. When God asks me to do something, or go somewhere i want to slaughter cows! probably not literally... but whatever kind of attitude, possession, concept or fear is holding me back from living in the freedom of obedience i want to let it burn without a fight TRUSTING that whatever he has asked of me will be worth far more than whatever it was i was holding onto.
i want to talk about Elijah and Elisha.
i don't want to butcher the story by paraphrasing so i'll let Biblegateway do the recounting. The first part of 1 Kings 19 is really important to sift through but i'm going to skip down to 1 Kings 19:19..
The Call of Elisha.
19 So Elijah went from there and found Elisha son of Shaphat. He was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen, and he himself was driving the twelfth pair. Elijah went up to him and threw his cloak around him.
20 Elisha then left his oxen and ran after Elijah. “Let me kiss my father and mother goodbye,” he said, “and then I will come with you.”
“Go back,” Elijah replied. “What have I done to you?”
21 So Elisha left him and went back. He took his yoke of oxen and slaughtered them. He burned the plowing equipment to cook the meat and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he set out to follow Elijah and became his servant.
what??? that's incredible! as far as i could tell Elisha didn't know Elijah from any other strange man running onto fields throwing cloaks at people. (I did a little research and discovered that the act of casting your cloak on someone is a symbol of adoption because a father naturally clothes his children. There was an immediate mutual understanding of a father/son/mentor relationship between them.)
then there is the fact that Elisha is plowing with 12 teams of oxen. he must have had an incredible estate to be plowing around that amount of livestock! to follow this man he didn't know into a life of uncertainty would be a considerable amount of material loss, as well as the loss whatever social status he may have possessed.
But he did it! and not only did he agree to leave the life he knew, and the life he was living quite successfully to follow and serve his new leader.. he did so much more! he turned around, slaughtered his livestock and then proceeded to BURN his farming equipment to create a fire to cook his own farewell banquet. He could have bought a cow for slaughter, he could have chopped down a tree, could have hired a caterer, could have sold his cows and equipment, or he could have just kissed his parents goodbye and not even bothered with the mess. but he made a choice! he made the choice to leave his life and wander into a journey unknown and the thought of returning to the life he once had was not even an option. By the worlds standards this man was crazy. Insane even! but he had discovered something far more valuable than equipment, cows, social status or even family... he had the call of God on his life and he went on to conquer and rule and live a life much more abundant than the one he left... all because of an act of faith and obedience. his decision to destroy the things tying him to where he was at was a symbol of the concrete decision he had made. No turning back.
This story really challenged and inspired me! if Elisha can follow a stranger into a new life by the coordinating of God then how much more should i be willing to burn the things that hinder me to follow God himself, who I do know? God, who has cloaked me in life by his death and adopted me as his heiress and his daughter. i want to live my life in an act of obedience that doesn't take convincing or hesitation. When God asks me to do something, or go somewhere i want to slaughter cows! probably not literally... but whatever kind of attitude, possession, concept or fear is holding me back from living in the freedom of obedience i want to let it burn without a fight TRUSTING that whatever he has asked of me will be worth far more than whatever it was i was holding onto.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
dear valentines day...
... you can suck it. just kidding! as much as i harsh on this overly glorified excuse for consumers to consume, marketers to market and people to just be annoyingly strung out on cheap chocolate and love songs, i do hope that the ones who value it do have great success in wooing the ones they love, and discovering unique ways to do so.
to have one day dedicated to love isn't an absolutely horrid offense.. people seem friendlier, the air seems softer.. and try as i might i can't help but scheme what extravagant things i would be doing for Darren if i was a believer in such a day as this.
for this ONE day so many people put work aside, schedules aside, barriers (internal like pride and external like distance) aside and dote on the object of their affection without distraction.
But, i don't want my love for Darren, or anyone else to be isolated for exaltation within the 24 hour window of February 14th. i want to be extending expressions of Love Himself to those around me within the entirety of all 8,765.81277 hours of the year.
so here's to the ones i love: this is our 1,056th hour together this year. there have been laughing hours, crying hours, freaking cold hours, and really cozy hours. hours that were filled with expectation, with disappointment, growth and changes. i cherish them all and i can't wait to love you through the 7709.81277 we have left of this year. enjoy your chocolate :)
to have one day dedicated to love isn't an absolutely horrid offense.. people seem friendlier, the air seems softer.. and try as i might i can't help but scheme what extravagant things i would be doing for Darren if i was a believer in such a day as this.
for this ONE day so many people put work aside, schedules aside, barriers (internal like pride and external like distance) aside and dote on the object of their affection without distraction.
But, i don't want my love for Darren, or anyone else to be isolated for exaltation within the 24 hour window of February 14th. i want to be extending expressions of Love Himself to those around me within the entirety of all 8,765.81277 hours of the year.
so here's to the ones i love: this is our 1,056th hour together this year. there have been laughing hours, crying hours, freaking cold hours, and really cozy hours. hours that were filled with expectation, with disappointment, growth and changes. i cherish them all and i can't wait to love you through the 7709.81277 we have left of this year. enjoy your chocolate :)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
scribbles....
so. i've been thinkin about love and all of that...and i only have a few minutes so i'm just going to scratch down what i can for now :)
i'm about to marry (in about 4 months) a man of integrity, wisdom, creativity, and full of a soul beauty that is nearly indescribable. i'm very blessed by the gift of him in my life. he challenges me, encourages me, supports me, and is even patient with ME! haha.. strong fella...
so naturally with all of this happening it really causes me to reflect on what i think love is and how i show it.
i refer back to the classic 1 corinthians 13 passage often as a measuring stick for how i'm doing when it comes to loving others.. i fall short every time! i'll have one or two things on there checked off but for the most part this manifestion of love is something i aspire to. lust is so much easier! but where is the reward in that? with lust there is little to no involvement of the heart and it goes against everything that love is made up of. lust is self-seeking and murderous to everyone involved, while love is selfless and life giving. lust is the path of least resistance and it leads to emptiness and decay. love brings you into wholeness and meaning through a process of purification that brings out your true beautiful self. and the true beautiful selves of the people you are loving.
Jesus asks us to lay down our lives for others, but i don't think he always means this in a literal sense. if we had to jump in front of a bus for someone, we would die and some newspaper would probably glorify us and it would be done. BUT in the sense that i think Jesus actually means this, it is a much more difficult thing he asks of us. i believe he is asking us to lay down our lives for others while we still live. to put aside our self-seeking attitudes and put the interest of others ahead of our own. we have to make the choice to go against our selfish nature and act out of character by putting others first. not just putting them first in theory or in thought but in action.
our privilege to be able to love others, particularly love one person in the intimate marriage relationship is a little slice of heaven here on earth. its a small personification of a bigger, more heavenly picture. it parallels so easily with relationship with Jesus, and i think thats the point.
marriage is not for everyone, but somewhat contradictory to what Paul says, i think that those who are called to the ministry of marriage are so blessed! they learn a side of daily sacrificial love that is by no means easy but is so rewarding!
to learn how to bring my bitterness, my self interest, my pride.. and pile it on top of an alter to be burned in sacrifice is so hard but there's no other way i would want to do it. and i know i have a whole lot more sacrificing to do and it will be a daily choice, and i wont always make the right one. but this whole process excites me :)
anyway... i have a plane to catch.
i'm about to marry (in about 4 months) a man of integrity, wisdom, creativity, and full of a soul beauty that is nearly indescribable. i'm very blessed by the gift of him in my life. he challenges me, encourages me, supports me, and is even patient with ME! haha.. strong fella...
so naturally with all of this happening it really causes me to reflect on what i think love is and how i show it.
i refer back to the classic 1 corinthians 13 passage often as a measuring stick for how i'm doing when it comes to loving others.. i fall short every time! i'll have one or two things on there checked off but for the most part this manifestion of love is something i aspire to. lust is so much easier! but where is the reward in that? with lust there is little to no involvement of the heart and it goes against everything that love is made up of. lust is self-seeking and murderous to everyone involved, while love is selfless and life giving. lust is the path of least resistance and it leads to emptiness and decay. love brings you into wholeness and meaning through a process of purification that brings out your true beautiful self. and the true beautiful selves of the people you are loving.
Jesus asks us to lay down our lives for others, but i don't think he always means this in a literal sense. if we had to jump in front of a bus for someone, we would die and some newspaper would probably glorify us and it would be done. BUT in the sense that i think Jesus actually means this, it is a much more difficult thing he asks of us. i believe he is asking us to lay down our lives for others while we still live. to put aside our self-seeking attitudes and put the interest of others ahead of our own. we have to make the choice to go against our selfish nature and act out of character by putting others first. not just putting them first in theory or in thought but in action.
our privilege to be able to love others, particularly love one person in the intimate marriage relationship is a little slice of heaven here on earth. its a small personification of a bigger, more heavenly picture. it parallels so easily with relationship with Jesus, and i think thats the point.
marriage is not for everyone, but somewhat contradictory to what Paul says, i think that those who are called to the ministry of marriage are so blessed! they learn a side of daily sacrificial love that is by no means easy but is so rewarding!
to learn how to bring my bitterness, my self interest, my pride.. and pile it on top of an alter to be burned in sacrifice is so hard but there's no other way i would want to do it. and i know i have a whole lot more sacrificing to do and it will be a daily choice, and i wont always make the right one. but this whole process excites me :)
anyway... i have a plane to catch.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
the lighter weight of poor judgement
i've come so far ive grown so tall
my once mangled heart can now bed flowers
i hope i've scaled my tallest wall
and knocked down my strongest towers
before you and your arsenal
of manipulation and deceit
i walked with grace, i loved with ease,
and where my confidence once lay complete
i still dig out shards of shrapnel
i used to loathe how you escaped unscathed
but i guess you were the puppet master
i played my role, you pulled the strings,
then cut them slow like veins
used my blood for your victory bathe
i know ive forgiven but its hard to forget,
the final tremors sent ripples on ahead
and every time i question him
my scars are blaming you
my once mangled heart can now bed flowers
i hope i've scaled my tallest wall
and knocked down my strongest towers
before you and your arsenal
of manipulation and deceit
i walked with grace, i loved with ease,
and where my confidence once lay complete
i still dig out shards of shrapnel
i used to loathe how you escaped unscathed
but i guess you were the puppet master
i played my role, you pulled the strings,
then cut them slow like veins
used my blood for your victory bathe
i know ive forgiven but its hard to forget,
the final tremors sent ripples on ahead
and every time i question him
my scars are blaming you
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
naked rhinos
the last couple weeks or so i have been praying for God to continuously rip me apart and change things around in my being so i can be a more free and effective vessel for carrying his love and deliverance...
what was i THINKING?? i remember when i first prayed this dangerous prayer i knew that it would be painful.. and seriously contemplated leaving the prayer as an unspoken desire. but is living about being comfortable and never being disturbed or changed? NNNooooo..its about doing whatever it takes to know the lover of our souls so he can remove our callouses and scales so we can then know him even MORE.... so i prayed. bring it on God. lets get intimate.
cue: quaking of my inner earth.
in this wonderful process i can actually see myself shifting. there are some attitudes and scars lying in the sediment of my heart that are being excavated and some of which are now right in front of my eyes. and everyone else's. i feel so naked. normally my very first reaction, almost instinctively, would be to take this rising awareness of the condition of my heart and STUFF it! then i would put on a better face, one i'm more comfortable with and whatever it was that i avoided would be dealt with at a later date...that would never come. until now. i feel like i don't possess the stuffing ability (hindrance?) anymore. and its so scary but so great! i'm so excited about the healing and restoration that is continuing to happen in me.
I have tried to force it to happen faster for so long, but HIS timing is perfect. i don't know why its happening NOW, and maybe i never will but i'm just thankful it is! He is so faithful and SO GOOD.
i'm so used to grasping at fragile anchors holding me to whats familiar but not now.. its not worth it. i just picture a picture that i want to bring into tangible reality: i'm dropping everything i hold dear, stripping down to the rawness of my soul and running full speed ahead (which, in reality isn't very fast but in this picture i'm a bullet) into the unknown. FEARLESSLY. like a rhino...
(RANDOM FACT: rhino's only see 25 meters ahead of them but run up to a speed of 45 miles per hour... i think they are one of the best personifications of the necessity of faith that God fit into a 1,000 pound beast of leather.
to get around they depend a lot on all senses other than sight. huh...
let faith be my all consuming sense!)
what was i THINKING?? i remember when i first prayed this dangerous prayer i knew that it would be painful.. and seriously contemplated leaving the prayer as an unspoken desire. but is living about being comfortable and never being disturbed or changed? NNNooooo..its about doing whatever it takes to know the lover of our souls so he can remove our callouses and scales so we can then know him even MORE.... so i prayed. bring it on God. lets get intimate.
cue: quaking of my inner earth.
in this wonderful process i can actually see myself shifting. there are some attitudes and scars lying in the sediment of my heart that are being excavated and some of which are now right in front of my eyes. and everyone else's. i feel so naked. normally my very first reaction, almost instinctively, would be to take this rising awareness of the condition of my heart and STUFF it! then i would put on a better face, one i'm more comfortable with and whatever it was that i avoided would be dealt with at a later date...that would never come. until now. i feel like i don't possess the stuffing ability (hindrance?) anymore. and its so scary but so great! i'm so excited about the healing and restoration that is continuing to happen in me.
I have tried to force it to happen faster for so long, but HIS timing is perfect. i don't know why its happening NOW, and maybe i never will but i'm just thankful it is! He is so faithful and SO GOOD.
i'm so used to grasping at fragile anchors holding me to whats familiar but not now.. its not worth it. i just picture a picture that i want to bring into tangible reality: i'm dropping everything i hold dear, stripping down to the rawness of my soul and running full speed ahead (which, in reality isn't very fast but in this picture i'm a bullet) into the unknown. FEARLESSLY. like a rhino...
(RANDOM FACT: rhino's only see 25 meters ahead of them but run up to a speed of 45 miles per hour... i think they are one of the best personifications of the necessity of faith that God fit into a 1,000 pound beast of leather.
to get around they depend a lot on all senses other than sight. huh...
let faith be my all consuming sense!)
Monday, November 29, 2010
revelation from the freezer
i stood feeling a little humbled and foolish after i hung up the cafe phone. one of the girls i work with had called down from the office to chat and as an after thought decided she wanted a cinnamon bun. we didnt have any left out on the counter
so she knew id have to pull it from the freezer. not ideal for taste. ive heard excellent things about these buns we have but have yet to try a fresh one. ive had the frozen ones but i think the promised magic they hold dies in a cold environment.
she said that since it was frozen she should get it for free. i laughed and said i could look the other way this one time. to which she responded:
"if by look the other way you mean put it on my tab then ok. thats the honest, christian thing to do."
it was said good naturedly but it stuck with me for the remainder of the evening in the back of my mind. i was very willing and ready to just hand it over to her without a second thought. it made me wonder what other areas in my life i allow room for compromises that are not within my power to be giving. or taking.
when we have friends (i use "we"loosely and generally..) who work at certain places usually they pull strings and get us discounts or free stuff or in some way or another bend and stretch rules to accommodate us. we get special treatment
because we have some kind of relationship with them. i find that i often treat my relationship with Jesus like this. its not necessarily a bad thing.. it does have biblical merit (read Romans.. all of it). when we enter into a relationship with him we are given special 'privileges' such as: eternal life after death! forgiveness of sins, wholeness and purpose, spiritual giftings, the opportunity to partner with him in his divine commission...BUT just because we are called to be friends, brothers, sisters, and lovers of Jesus this doesn't exempt us from our call to live righteously. if anything it should spur us on in a new ambitious desire TO live righteously. the ways that this can be taken out of context and abused is when we start to think with an attitude that makes us feel deserving of these privileges and so exempt from certain integrities. and this attitude can even give us the audacity to advise others with our clouded perception. when we say to ourselves or others: "Jesus knows where your heart is so he'll understand if you..." or "we really want to wait for the right reasons but we're going to be getting married anyway so what is the huge deal if we..." it becomes easy to justify things away and small allowances will eventually lead to bigger ones.
ultimately we need to remain faithful in the calling to be holy because He is holy.. to be faithful even in the seemingly insignificant things, and our hearts will long to be honest, to be integrous, rules won't look like rules but as a way of worship and expressing our love....
this is something i need to be more consciously applying to MY moment by moment living...
now i've got a mad crave on for some cinnabon!
so she knew id have to pull it from the freezer. not ideal for taste. ive heard excellent things about these buns we have but have yet to try a fresh one. ive had the frozen ones but i think the promised magic they hold dies in a cold environment.
she said that since it was frozen she should get it for free. i laughed and said i could look the other way this one time. to which she responded:
"if by look the other way you mean put it on my tab then ok. thats the honest, christian thing to do."
it was said good naturedly but it stuck with me for the remainder of the evening in the back of my mind. i was very willing and ready to just hand it over to her without a second thought. it made me wonder what other areas in my life i allow room for compromises that are not within my power to be giving. or taking.
when we have friends (i use "we"loosely and generally..) who work at certain places usually they pull strings and get us discounts or free stuff or in some way or another bend and stretch rules to accommodate us. we get special treatment
because we have some kind of relationship with them. i find that i often treat my relationship with Jesus like this. its not necessarily a bad thing.. it does have biblical merit (read Romans.. all of it). when we enter into a relationship with him we are given special 'privileges' such as: eternal life after death! forgiveness of sins, wholeness and purpose, spiritual giftings, the opportunity to partner with him in his divine commission...BUT just because we are called to be friends, brothers, sisters, and lovers of Jesus this doesn't exempt us from our call to live righteously. if anything it should spur us on in a new ambitious desire TO live righteously. the ways that this can be taken out of context and abused is when we start to think with an attitude that makes us feel deserving of these privileges and so exempt from certain integrities. and this attitude can even give us the audacity to advise others with our clouded perception. when we say to ourselves or others: "Jesus knows where your heart is so he'll understand if you..." or "we really want to wait for the right reasons but we're going to be getting married anyway so what is the huge deal if we..." it becomes easy to justify things away and small allowances will eventually lead to bigger ones.
ultimately we need to remain faithful in the calling to be holy because He is holy.. to be faithful even in the seemingly insignificant things, and our hearts will long to be honest, to be integrous, rules won't look like rules but as a way of worship and expressing our love....
this is something i need to be more consciously applying to MY moment by moment living...
now i've got a mad crave on for some cinnabon!
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