the last couple weeks or so i have been praying for God to continuously rip me apart and change things around in my being so i can be a more free and effective vessel for carrying his love and deliverance...
what was i THINKING?? i remember when i first prayed this dangerous prayer i knew that it would be painful.. and seriously contemplated leaving the prayer as an unspoken desire. but is living about being comfortable and never being disturbed or changed? NNNooooo..its about doing whatever it takes to know the lover of our souls so he can remove our callouses and scales so we can then know him even MORE.... so i prayed. bring it on God. lets get intimate.
cue: quaking of my inner earth.
in this wonderful process i can actually see myself shifting. there are some attitudes and scars lying in the sediment of my heart that are being excavated and some of which are now right in front of my eyes. and everyone else's. i feel so naked. normally my very first reaction, almost instinctively, would be to take this rising awareness of the condition of my heart and STUFF it! then i would put on a better face, one i'm more comfortable with and whatever it was that i avoided would be dealt with at a later date...that would never come. until now. i feel like i don't possess the stuffing ability (hindrance?) anymore. and its so scary but so great! i'm so excited about the healing and restoration that is continuing to happen in me.
I have tried to force it to happen faster for so long, but HIS timing is perfect. i don't know why its happening NOW, and maybe i never will but i'm just thankful it is! He is so faithful and SO GOOD.
i'm so used to grasping at fragile anchors holding me to whats familiar but not now.. its not worth it. i just picture a picture that i want to bring into tangible reality: i'm dropping everything i hold dear, stripping down to the rawness of my soul and running full speed ahead (which, in reality isn't very fast but in this picture i'm a bullet) into the unknown. FEARLESSLY. like a rhino...
(RANDOM FACT: rhino's only see 25 meters ahead of them but run up to a speed of 45 miles per hour... i think they are one of the best personifications of the necessity of faith that God fit into a 1,000 pound beast of leather.
to get around they depend a lot on all senses other than sight. huh...
let faith be my all consuming sense!)
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3 comments:
Made my day thanks Remmington!
i was so tired when writing... it seems so scattered haha but i'm glad it made some kinda sense to you systa! love you
words from my heart to yours -
"I started" - I started at the bottom with most things in my life - treading and struggling with no end. When I thought at times that I would reach the top; someone something pushed me down again. The first couple of times I did get back up to continue to make a path. Again treading and struggling with no end. The valleys got deeper and the hills higher. The road I walked and the path I created was closing in behind me - I could see the end - the goal in sight the prize upon the hill - the closer I got the further it was. I started at the bottom with most things in my life I promised not to sturggle or tread again. Too many times I have been pushed to the ground - too many times just sitting around - I have struggled and treaded my way to the top and gained strength with each new stop - my prize is in the sight just waiting for the right time - I have reached the hill and survived the valleys. I have gotten up when I'VE BEEN PUSHED DOWN, people things no longer stand on my ground. I started at the bottom with most things in my life - but I will end up at the top for once and never to fall again.....
So my dear friend enjoy this journey that your on of peeling away the layers - maybe I can ride shot gun on some of those journeys with ya - ciao babe
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