the lighter weight of poor judgement

i've come so far ive grown so tall
my once mangled heart can now bed flowers
i hope i've scaled my tallest wall
and knocked down my strongest towers

before you and your arsenal
of manipulation and deceit
i walked with grace, i loved with ease,
and where my confidence once lay complete
i still dig out shards of shrapnel

i used to loathe how you escaped unscathed
but i guess you were the puppet master
i played my role, you pulled the strings,
then cut them slow like veins
used my blood for your victory bathe

i know ive forgiven but its hard to forget,
the final tremors sent ripples on ahead
and every time i question him
my scars are blaming you

naked rhinos

the last couple weeks or so i have been praying for God to continuously rip me apart and change things around in my being so i can be a more free and effective vessel for carrying his love and deliverance...
what was i THINKING?? i remember when i first prayed this dangerous prayer i knew that it would be painful.. and seriously contemplated leaving the prayer as an unspoken desire. but is living about being comfortable and never being disturbed or changed? NNNooooo..its about doing whatever it takes to know the lover of our souls so he can remove our callouses and scales so we can then know him even MORE.... so i prayed. bring it on God. lets get intimate.
cue: quaking of my inner earth.
in this wonderful process i can actually see myself shifting. there are some attitudes and scars lying in the sediment of my heart that are being excavated and some of which are now right in front of my eyes. and everyone else's. i feel so naked. normally my very first reaction, almost instinctively, would be to take this rising awareness of the condition of my heart and STUFF it! then i would put on a better face, one i'm more comfortable with and whatever it was that i avoided would be dealt with at a later date...that would never come. until now. i feel like i don't possess the stuffing ability (hindrance?) anymore. and its so scary but so great! i'm so excited about the healing and restoration that is continuing to happen in me.
I have tried to force it to happen faster for so long, but HIS timing is perfect. i don't know why its happening NOW, and maybe i never will but i'm just thankful it is! He is so faithful and SO GOOD.
i'm so used to grasping at fragile anchors holding me to whats familiar but not now.. its not worth it. i just picture a picture that i want to bring into tangible reality: i'm dropping everything i hold dear, stripping down to the rawness of my soul and running full speed ahead (which, in reality isn't very fast but in this picture i'm a bullet) into the unknown. FEARLESSLY. like a rhino...

(RANDOM FACT: rhino's only see 25 meters ahead of them but run up to a speed of 45 miles per hour... i think they are one of the best personifications of the necessity of faith that God fit into a 1,000 pound beast of leather.
to get around they depend a lot on all senses other than sight. huh...
let faith be my all consuming sense!)