i've come so far ive grown so tall
my once mangled heart can now bed flowers
i hope i've scaled my tallest wall
and knocked down my strongest towers
before you and your arsenal
of manipulation and deceit
i walked with grace, i loved with ease,
and where my confidence once lay complete
i still dig out shards of shrapnel
i used to loathe how you escaped unscathed
but i guess you were the puppet master
i played my role, you pulled the strings,
then cut them slow like veins
used my blood for your victory bathe
i know ive forgiven but its hard to forget,
the final tremors sent ripples on ahead
and every time i question him
my scars are blaming you
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
naked rhinos
the last couple weeks or so i have been praying for God to continuously rip me apart and change things around in my being so i can be a more free and effective vessel for carrying his love and deliverance...
what was i THINKING?? i remember when i first prayed this dangerous prayer i knew that it would be painful.. and seriously contemplated leaving the prayer as an unspoken desire. but is living about being comfortable and never being disturbed or changed? NNNooooo..its about doing whatever it takes to know the lover of our souls so he can remove our callouses and scales so we can then know him even MORE.... so i prayed. bring it on God. lets get intimate.
cue: quaking of my inner earth.
in this wonderful process i can actually see myself shifting. there are some attitudes and scars lying in the sediment of my heart that are being excavated and some of which are now right in front of my eyes. and everyone else's. i feel so naked. normally my very first reaction, almost instinctively, would be to take this rising awareness of the condition of my heart and STUFF it! then i would put on a better face, one i'm more comfortable with and whatever it was that i avoided would be dealt with at a later date...that would never come. until now. i feel like i don't possess the stuffing ability (hindrance?) anymore. and its so scary but so great! i'm so excited about the healing and restoration that is continuing to happen in me.
I have tried to force it to happen faster for so long, but HIS timing is perfect. i don't know why its happening NOW, and maybe i never will but i'm just thankful it is! He is so faithful and SO GOOD.
i'm so used to grasping at fragile anchors holding me to whats familiar but not now.. its not worth it. i just picture a picture that i want to bring into tangible reality: i'm dropping everything i hold dear, stripping down to the rawness of my soul and running full speed ahead (which, in reality isn't very fast but in this picture i'm a bullet) into the unknown. FEARLESSLY. like a rhino...
(RANDOM FACT: rhino's only see 25 meters ahead of them but run up to a speed of 45 miles per hour... i think they are one of the best personifications of the necessity of faith that God fit into a 1,000 pound beast of leather.
to get around they depend a lot on all senses other than sight. huh...
let faith be my all consuming sense!)
what was i THINKING?? i remember when i first prayed this dangerous prayer i knew that it would be painful.. and seriously contemplated leaving the prayer as an unspoken desire. but is living about being comfortable and never being disturbed or changed? NNNooooo..its about doing whatever it takes to know the lover of our souls so he can remove our callouses and scales so we can then know him even MORE.... so i prayed. bring it on God. lets get intimate.
cue: quaking of my inner earth.
in this wonderful process i can actually see myself shifting. there are some attitudes and scars lying in the sediment of my heart that are being excavated and some of which are now right in front of my eyes. and everyone else's. i feel so naked. normally my very first reaction, almost instinctively, would be to take this rising awareness of the condition of my heart and STUFF it! then i would put on a better face, one i'm more comfortable with and whatever it was that i avoided would be dealt with at a later date...that would never come. until now. i feel like i don't possess the stuffing ability (hindrance?) anymore. and its so scary but so great! i'm so excited about the healing and restoration that is continuing to happen in me.
I have tried to force it to happen faster for so long, but HIS timing is perfect. i don't know why its happening NOW, and maybe i never will but i'm just thankful it is! He is so faithful and SO GOOD.
i'm so used to grasping at fragile anchors holding me to whats familiar but not now.. its not worth it. i just picture a picture that i want to bring into tangible reality: i'm dropping everything i hold dear, stripping down to the rawness of my soul and running full speed ahead (which, in reality isn't very fast but in this picture i'm a bullet) into the unknown. FEARLESSLY. like a rhino...
(RANDOM FACT: rhino's only see 25 meters ahead of them but run up to a speed of 45 miles per hour... i think they are one of the best personifications of the necessity of faith that God fit into a 1,000 pound beast of leather.
to get around they depend a lot on all senses other than sight. huh...
let faith be my all consuming sense!)
Monday, November 29, 2010
revelation from the freezer
i stood feeling a little humbled and foolish after i hung up the cafe phone. one of the girls i work with had called down from the office to chat and as an after thought decided she wanted a cinnamon bun. we didnt have any left out on the counter
so she knew id have to pull it from the freezer. not ideal for taste. ive heard excellent things about these buns we have but have yet to try a fresh one. ive had the frozen ones but i think the promised magic they hold dies in a cold environment.
she said that since it was frozen she should get it for free. i laughed and said i could look the other way this one time. to which she responded:
"if by look the other way you mean put it on my tab then ok. thats the honest, christian thing to do."
it was said good naturedly but it stuck with me for the remainder of the evening in the back of my mind. i was very willing and ready to just hand it over to her without a second thought. it made me wonder what other areas in my life i allow room for compromises that are not within my power to be giving. or taking.
when we have friends (i use "we"loosely and generally..) who work at certain places usually they pull strings and get us discounts or free stuff or in some way or another bend and stretch rules to accommodate us. we get special treatment
because we have some kind of relationship with them. i find that i often treat my relationship with Jesus like this. its not necessarily a bad thing.. it does have biblical merit (read Romans.. all of it). when we enter into a relationship with him we are given special 'privileges' such as: eternal life after death! forgiveness of sins, wholeness and purpose, spiritual giftings, the opportunity to partner with him in his divine commission...BUT just because we are called to be friends, brothers, sisters, and lovers of Jesus this doesn't exempt us from our call to live righteously. if anything it should spur us on in a new ambitious desire TO live righteously. the ways that this can be taken out of context and abused is when we start to think with an attitude that makes us feel deserving of these privileges and so exempt from certain integrities. and this attitude can even give us the audacity to advise others with our clouded perception. when we say to ourselves or others: "Jesus knows where your heart is so he'll understand if you..." or "we really want to wait for the right reasons but we're going to be getting married anyway so what is the huge deal if we..." it becomes easy to justify things away and small allowances will eventually lead to bigger ones.
ultimately we need to remain faithful in the calling to be holy because He is holy.. to be faithful even in the seemingly insignificant things, and our hearts will long to be honest, to be integrous, rules won't look like rules but as a way of worship and expressing our love....
this is something i need to be more consciously applying to MY moment by moment living...
now i've got a mad crave on for some cinnabon!
so she knew id have to pull it from the freezer. not ideal for taste. ive heard excellent things about these buns we have but have yet to try a fresh one. ive had the frozen ones but i think the promised magic they hold dies in a cold environment.
she said that since it was frozen she should get it for free. i laughed and said i could look the other way this one time. to which she responded:
"if by look the other way you mean put it on my tab then ok. thats the honest, christian thing to do."
it was said good naturedly but it stuck with me for the remainder of the evening in the back of my mind. i was very willing and ready to just hand it over to her without a second thought. it made me wonder what other areas in my life i allow room for compromises that are not within my power to be giving. or taking.
when we have friends (i use "we"loosely and generally..) who work at certain places usually they pull strings and get us discounts or free stuff or in some way or another bend and stretch rules to accommodate us. we get special treatment
because we have some kind of relationship with them. i find that i often treat my relationship with Jesus like this. its not necessarily a bad thing.. it does have biblical merit (read Romans.. all of it). when we enter into a relationship with him we are given special 'privileges' such as: eternal life after death! forgiveness of sins, wholeness and purpose, spiritual giftings, the opportunity to partner with him in his divine commission...BUT just because we are called to be friends, brothers, sisters, and lovers of Jesus this doesn't exempt us from our call to live righteously. if anything it should spur us on in a new ambitious desire TO live righteously. the ways that this can be taken out of context and abused is when we start to think with an attitude that makes us feel deserving of these privileges and so exempt from certain integrities. and this attitude can even give us the audacity to advise others with our clouded perception. when we say to ourselves or others: "Jesus knows where your heart is so he'll understand if you..." or "we really want to wait for the right reasons but we're going to be getting married anyway so what is the huge deal if we..." it becomes easy to justify things away and small allowances will eventually lead to bigger ones.
ultimately we need to remain faithful in the calling to be holy because He is holy.. to be faithful even in the seemingly insignificant things, and our hearts will long to be honest, to be integrous, rules won't look like rules but as a way of worship and expressing our love....
this is something i need to be more consciously applying to MY moment by moment living...
now i've got a mad crave on for some cinnabon!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
just a thought...
i'm at the front of the long row of traffic all waiting for the light to turn green. engines revving, impatience contorting the face of every driver. they all have places to go and people to see and this blasted red light is keeping them from it all.
imagination kicks in.
i drum my fingers on the gear shifter in what is now my 1970 stingray corvette. my getaway car. the people around me are no longer fellow citizens but cops with a radar that has zeroed in on me. green eyes turn gray. the light turns green. i throw the engine into gear and speed ahead, weaving in and out of any traffic in my way, knowing that if they catch up to me its all over. i imagine lights and radios, and helicopters beating overhead. they all are after a menace on the loose and if they catch me its prison for sure.
i make it safely to my destination and my car turns back into a cobalt, everyone else turns back into regular strangers on their individual quests in life, and i am no longer a wanted criminal.
but what a cheap thrill!
but why?
there's something about rebellion that feels powerful and drug-like.
the darker side of me sometimes emerges wearing a microscopic black leather cat-woman-esque suit, bringing with it a lust for wreaking havoc.
imagining i'm someone that other people fearfully move out of the way for when they see me coming because they can sense that the path i'm walking leaves a wake of broken hearts and destruction.
just a powerful glance can make people come or go and bend at my will.
made up of lips that poison and curves that kill.
no pleasure is out of bounds.
i don't care who gets in the way.
they don't stand any other chance but to lay in ruin at my feet...
then i snap out of it and praise God that i don't live there anymore! i take off the faded suit and re-robe myself in modesty and humility.
sometimes the seductive advances of the world are magnetic and appeal to the parts of me that have tasted it.
could it be that maybe this was part of God's human design? the draw to do things out of character and to rebel against the world exists in everyone i've ever talked to. but it often has a negative stigma attached to it because we often rebel the wrong way. what if we took the seduction out of it and saw it as a call to be holy? a call to do things out of OUR character and in CHRISTS character. to rebel against the new religion of non-religion. to be outrageously counter-cultural and walk in the power of the Spirit instead of our own. there is no pleasure that satisfies more and no drug that could duplicate the effects. if we see it as a call to holy rebellion and not an opportunity to gratify the flesh while creating a crumbling throne to self then it takes a dying to self. two completely opposite directions.
if we could, in the midst of seduction, see an opportunity to flip it in the opposite direction and turn it into a kingdom-furthering behaviour how pissed would satan be? the plucking at the strings of our selfishness is among his most commonly used weapons in his arsenal. and with a change of perspective we could render it useless!
anyway.. like i said.. its just a thought.
imagination kicks in.
i drum my fingers on the gear shifter in what is now my 1970 stingray corvette. my getaway car. the people around me are no longer fellow citizens but cops with a radar that has zeroed in on me. green eyes turn gray. the light turns green. i throw the engine into gear and speed ahead, weaving in and out of any traffic in my way, knowing that if they catch up to me its all over. i imagine lights and radios, and helicopters beating overhead. they all are after a menace on the loose and if they catch me its prison for sure.
i make it safely to my destination and my car turns back into a cobalt, everyone else turns back into regular strangers on their individual quests in life, and i am no longer a wanted criminal.
but what a cheap thrill!
but why?
there's something about rebellion that feels powerful and drug-like.
the darker side of me sometimes emerges wearing a microscopic black leather cat-woman-esque suit, bringing with it a lust for wreaking havoc.
imagining i'm someone that other people fearfully move out of the way for when they see me coming because they can sense that the path i'm walking leaves a wake of broken hearts and destruction.
just a powerful glance can make people come or go and bend at my will.
made up of lips that poison and curves that kill.
no pleasure is out of bounds.
i don't care who gets in the way.
they don't stand any other chance but to lay in ruin at my feet...
then i snap out of it and praise God that i don't live there anymore! i take off the faded suit and re-robe myself in modesty and humility.
sometimes the seductive advances of the world are magnetic and appeal to the parts of me that have tasted it.
could it be that maybe this was part of God's human design? the draw to do things out of character and to rebel against the world exists in everyone i've ever talked to. but it often has a negative stigma attached to it because we often rebel the wrong way. what if we took the seduction out of it and saw it as a call to be holy? a call to do things out of OUR character and in CHRISTS character. to rebel against the new religion of non-religion. to be outrageously counter-cultural and walk in the power of the Spirit instead of our own. there is no pleasure that satisfies more and no drug that could duplicate the effects. if we see it as a call to holy rebellion and not an opportunity to gratify the flesh while creating a crumbling throne to self then it takes a dying to self. two completely opposite directions.
if we could, in the midst of seduction, see an opportunity to flip it in the opposite direction and turn it into a kingdom-furthering behaviour how pissed would satan be? the plucking at the strings of our selfishness is among his most commonly used weapons in his arsenal. and with a change of perspective we could render it useless!
anyway.. like i said.. its just a thought.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
there are two perspectives for every harlot
I'm thinking about the harlot in Hosea.
She comes to mind now and then sporadically when i think about God and his relation to us. She climbs on in there when I glance at my bookshelf and see my copy of "redeeming love" which made me ugly-cry, complete with snot bubbles, from cover to cover when i read it. but today she unexpectedly sprang up out of a different book I was reading.
The reference in the book was to Hosea 2:6-7
"Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes;
I will wall her in so she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but she will not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them."
When I first read it I thought it was harsh! it reminded me of times when i've felt walled in on all sides, unable to see past my toes and trying in vain to escape in any way that looked promising.
I imagined her arms bruised and bloodied from trying to rage against the walls and bushes until they fell or parted. Her voice would be gone from relentless screaming to be found. her heart broken from the defeat of thinking she had found a way out only to discover herself deeper in the maze of her entrapment. she's unable to have her love requited because her lovers are always just out of reach. she's soon left with no other option but to.. look up..
oh.
i get it.
i felt the resentment which had been building in my heart subside entirely.
this is not a harsh, mean punishment of God. He is not trapping her, or us for the enjoyment of watching us struggle. This is all done out of his unequaled love for us and his unquenchable desire to have our hearts for his own.
when we start to turn to things, or people, other than him for our salvation he places obstructions on those paths so we can be lovingly led back to where our real salvation is. in Him. he does it to save us from the inevitable pain it causes us to seek wholeness outside of himself. but because he is a loving God we still have the ability to choose. we can proudly thrash at thorns until we bleed to death or we can recognize where we are trying to draw life from death and turn into his waiting arms and together you can find a renewed vision.
This was good for me to realize because i feel like this weekend has been full of variations of thorn bushes and walls. walls of anger and pride, bushes of guilt and fogs of doubt. i would like to stop thrashing now.
She comes to mind now and then sporadically when i think about God and his relation to us. She climbs on in there when I glance at my bookshelf and see my copy of "redeeming love" which made me ugly-cry, complete with snot bubbles, from cover to cover when i read it. but today she unexpectedly sprang up out of a different book I was reading.
The reference in the book was to Hosea 2:6-7
"Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes;
I will wall her in so she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but she will not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them."
When I first read it I thought it was harsh! it reminded me of times when i've felt walled in on all sides, unable to see past my toes and trying in vain to escape in any way that looked promising.
I imagined her arms bruised and bloodied from trying to rage against the walls and bushes until they fell or parted. Her voice would be gone from relentless screaming to be found. her heart broken from the defeat of thinking she had found a way out only to discover herself deeper in the maze of her entrapment. she's unable to have her love requited because her lovers are always just out of reach. she's soon left with no other option but to.. look up..
oh.
i get it.
i felt the resentment which had been building in my heart subside entirely.
this is not a harsh, mean punishment of God. He is not trapping her, or us for the enjoyment of watching us struggle. This is all done out of his unequaled love for us and his unquenchable desire to have our hearts for his own.
when we start to turn to things, or people, other than him for our salvation he places obstructions on those paths so we can be lovingly led back to where our real salvation is. in Him. he does it to save us from the inevitable pain it causes us to seek wholeness outside of himself. but because he is a loving God we still have the ability to choose. we can proudly thrash at thorns until we bleed to death or we can recognize where we are trying to draw life from death and turn into his waiting arms and together you can find a renewed vision.
This was good for me to realize because i feel like this weekend has been full of variations of thorn bushes and walls. walls of anger and pride, bushes of guilt and fogs of doubt. i would like to stop thrashing now.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
a year of new normals... and another night of insomnia.
try as i may, sleep does not want to stay with me long. i'm wearing deodorant and i just had a shower... so it can't be me. it must have other, more important business tonight (or this morning?)
since my last post my life has continued to turn inside out and upside down. and its great! there are so many things I have learned and i am continuing to learn that are writhing just beneath the surface of my chest and competing with each other to bust outta there. my heart aches with a desire to just spill all over this keyboard. I'm never quite sure where to begin, but what do i know for sure? God is good. He is faithful. He is loving. And he's not done with me yet! I feel like I have reached a point where all i desire, all there is to do is stand under a vast starry sky or beaming sunset displaying the beauty and splendor of the God I love, throw my head back with my arms outstretched to each side and yelling "have your way in me!" reaching surrender has been a bloody road. and i know its a road i will have to revisit many times in my walk of faith. But is there any other way? i wouldn't want it if there were. if i had the option of an easier road than this one marked out for me then i don't think i would experience the intimacy with Jesus that I experience now. I wouldn't know the people that I know, read the books that i've read, had the same opportunities, i wouldn't be who I currently am.
not so long ago, shortly after april, i would see others who had what i assumed to be an "easier road" and i was painfully jealous. I felt so ripped off that i had my circumstances forced upon me and now there i stood in the wreckage of it all not knowing where i was or how to make any kind of sense of the chaos. but through that i had a consistent peaceful place in the corner of my heart. This little place held the knowledge that God was in control and that above all he loved me and is faithful. The more i began to visit this space of peace the more i began to realize that these people i was envious of, the ones who were laughing and living what seemed to be an untangled life, i didn't know their full tales. if i would have looked through the veil of my pain i would have seen that behind a lot of the laughter there were old eyes with stale tears. i was not the only one walking with a limp. in fact, as i began to dwell in this peaceful heart space instead of stopping by for frequent visits, i saw how richly blessed i actually am! i have a home, i have regular meals, nine remaining healthy family members, friends who i would die for and i know would do the same for me, and most valued; i have a relentless God who pursues me to no end. since moving into that heart space it has expanded to accommodate and now all of that crippled perspective seems so distant. and i'm left with an overwhelming thankfulness.
more to come...
since my last post my life has continued to turn inside out and upside down. and its great! there are so many things I have learned and i am continuing to learn that are writhing just beneath the surface of my chest and competing with each other to bust outta there. my heart aches with a desire to just spill all over this keyboard. I'm never quite sure where to begin, but what do i know for sure? God is good. He is faithful. He is loving. And he's not done with me yet! I feel like I have reached a point where all i desire, all there is to do is stand under a vast starry sky or beaming sunset displaying the beauty and splendor of the God I love, throw my head back with my arms outstretched to each side and yelling "have your way in me!" reaching surrender has been a bloody road. and i know its a road i will have to revisit many times in my walk of faith. But is there any other way? i wouldn't want it if there were. if i had the option of an easier road than this one marked out for me then i don't think i would experience the intimacy with Jesus that I experience now. I wouldn't know the people that I know, read the books that i've read, had the same opportunities, i wouldn't be who I currently am.
not so long ago, shortly after april, i would see others who had what i assumed to be an "easier road" and i was painfully jealous. I felt so ripped off that i had my circumstances forced upon me and now there i stood in the wreckage of it all not knowing where i was or how to make any kind of sense of the chaos. but through that i had a consistent peaceful place in the corner of my heart. This little place held the knowledge that God was in control and that above all he loved me and is faithful. The more i began to visit this space of peace the more i began to realize that these people i was envious of, the ones who were laughing and living what seemed to be an untangled life, i didn't know their full tales. if i would have looked through the veil of my pain i would have seen that behind a lot of the laughter there were old eyes with stale tears. i was not the only one walking with a limp. in fact, as i began to dwell in this peaceful heart space instead of stopping by for frequent visits, i saw how richly blessed i actually am! i have a home, i have regular meals, nine remaining healthy family members, friends who i would die for and i know would do the same for me, and most valued; i have a relentless God who pursues me to no end. since moving into that heart space it has expanded to accommodate and now all of that crippled perspective seems so distant. and i'm left with an overwhelming thankfulness.
more to come...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Bambi's mama
I won't go into all the details of my life over the last three years because there are A LOT! haha.. but we can get re-acquianted starting with where I'm at today...
So much has happened in the last couple weeks and I feel like I haven’t had the time to allow it to catch up with me, I’ve only been moving with momentum. Inside my skin there is a confusing combination of sturdy walls of peace and turbulent waves of anxiety. The waves relentlessly crash upon the walls in efforts to knock them down, but sturdy they remain.
recently..after I found out about some questionable activities that were going on at my place of residence I really felt like God was asking me to GET OUT of there. It was a really hard thing for me to do. I was friends with my roommate who is not a believer and over the last 7 months of living together she had mentioned numerous times that if it was God in me that made me obviously different from others then she wanted to know who this God person was. It seemed God was using me to be a bit of a beacon in her life, unbeknown to me. That was a huge encouragement, and a huge responsibility. It acted as a form of accountability for me in the way I chose to live my life. It also was heavy in the sense that I had to maintain this pedestal standard she had placed me on. I am not pedestal material! None of us are. The only reason we are any different is because of the grace of God, and the value he puts on our lives. It is nothing we can measure up to on our own strength. The only good she saw in me was because of what Jesus was doing in and through me. I only hope that she knew how to make that distinction. So after finding out some things that were going on at my place, I stood right in the vortex of a moral dilemma. Torn between my fear of ruining the witness I had established within this friendship, and what I felt was obedience to leave. To know that God knows best and to still choose disobedience is really rather unintelligent and not worth the risk.
So i prayed. I prayed for days that if moving out was the right thing to do that God would allow it to go smoothly. so, when I told my roomie that i was thinking of moving out (based on the circumstances) of course i expected her to be very receptive and understanding. this actually was not the result. Things got pretty angry and uncomfortable at my house. this was really painful for me. So i started to doubt that i was making the right choice. Then Thursday night a very good, very amazing friend called me to see how I was doing. Through sporadic tears I filled her in on what was going on at home..and within half an hour she was at my house and within two hours she had all of my stuff moved out of my place and into hers. I guess God's definition of "smooth" is quite a bit different than mine...
So now here I am out on an open range, fully exposed and raw, a perfect target of attack. Much like Bambi’s mother. Only my hunters are mostly of the hungry spiritual variety, not the hungry human kind.. and I'm not going to die :)
So much has happened in the last couple weeks and I feel like I haven’t had the time to allow it to catch up with me, I’ve only been moving with momentum. Inside my skin there is a confusing combination of sturdy walls of peace and turbulent waves of anxiety. The waves relentlessly crash upon the walls in efforts to knock them down, but sturdy they remain.
recently..after I found out about some questionable activities that were going on at my place of residence I really felt like God was asking me to GET OUT of there. It was a really hard thing for me to do. I was friends with my roommate who is not a believer and over the last 7 months of living together she had mentioned numerous times that if it was God in me that made me obviously different from others then she wanted to know who this God person was. It seemed God was using me to be a bit of a beacon in her life, unbeknown to me. That was a huge encouragement, and a huge responsibility. It acted as a form of accountability for me in the way I chose to live my life. It also was heavy in the sense that I had to maintain this pedestal standard she had placed me on. I am not pedestal material! None of us are. The only reason we are any different is because of the grace of God, and the value he puts on our lives. It is nothing we can measure up to on our own strength. The only good she saw in me was because of what Jesus was doing in and through me. I only hope that she knew how to make that distinction. So after finding out some things that were going on at my place, I stood right in the vortex of a moral dilemma. Torn between my fear of ruining the witness I had established within this friendship, and what I felt was obedience to leave. To know that God knows best and to still choose disobedience is really rather unintelligent and not worth the risk.
So i prayed. I prayed for days that if moving out was the right thing to do that God would allow it to go smoothly. so, when I told my roomie that i was thinking of moving out (based on the circumstances) of course i expected her to be very receptive and understanding. this actually was not the result. Things got pretty angry and uncomfortable at my house. this was really painful for me. So i started to doubt that i was making the right choice. Then Thursday night a very good, very amazing friend called me to see how I was doing. Through sporadic tears I filled her in on what was going on at home..and within half an hour she was at my house and within two hours she had all of my stuff moved out of my place and into hers. I guess God's definition of "smooth" is quite a bit different than mine...
So now here I am out on an open range, fully exposed and raw, a perfect target of attack. Much like Bambi’s mother. Only my hunters are mostly of the hungry spiritual variety, not the hungry human kind.. and I'm not going to die :)
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