try as i may, sleep does not want to stay with me long. i'm wearing deodorant and i just had a shower... so it can't be me. it must have other, more important business tonight (or this morning?)
since my last post my life has continued to turn inside out and upside down. and its great! there are so many things I have learned and i am continuing to learn that are writhing just beneath the surface of my chest and competing with each other to bust outta there. my heart aches with a desire to just spill all over this keyboard. I'm never quite sure where to begin, but what do i know for sure? God is good. He is faithful. He is loving. And he's not done with me yet! I feel like I have reached a point where all i desire, all there is to do is stand under a vast starry sky or beaming sunset displaying the beauty and splendor of the God I love, throw my head back with my arms outstretched to each side and yelling "have your way in me!" reaching surrender has been a bloody road. and i know its a road i will have to revisit many times in my walk of faith. But is there any other way? i wouldn't want it if there were. if i had the option of an easier road than this one marked out for me then i don't think i would experience the intimacy with Jesus that I experience now. I wouldn't know the people that I know, read the books that i've read, had the same opportunities, i wouldn't be who I currently am.
not so long ago, shortly after april, i would see others who had what i assumed to be an "easier road" and i was painfully jealous. I felt so ripped off that i had my circumstances forced upon me and now there i stood in the wreckage of it all not knowing where i was or how to make any kind of sense of the chaos. but through that i had a consistent peaceful place in the corner of my heart. This little place held the knowledge that God was in control and that above all he loved me and is faithful. The more i began to visit this space of peace the more i began to realize that these people i was envious of, the ones who were laughing and living what seemed to be an untangled life, i didn't know their full tales. if i would have looked through the veil of my pain i would have seen that behind a lot of the laughter there were old eyes with stale tears. i was not the only one walking with a limp. in fact, as i began to dwell in this peaceful heart space instead of stopping by for frequent visits, i saw how richly blessed i actually am! i have a home, i have regular meals, nine remaining healthy family members, friends who i would die for and i know would do the same for me, and most valued; i have a relentless God who pursues me to no end. since moving into that heart space it has expanded to accommodate and now all of that crippled perspective seems so distant. and i'm left with an overwhelming thankfulness.
more to come...
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Sitting Quietly
You are accepted - You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you. Do not try to do anything now, perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything now, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted. IF that happens we experience grace.......
Lamentations 3:21-26 Wowzers - what a intense set of verses - To sit quietly is one tough thing to do - especially for me - If you know me - that is a very hard pill to sallow - But I have been reminded and told in several ways to sit tight - I guess I can't do everything by myself - So I have placed my issues and future in God's hands - laid it out - cause He knew before I ever prayed about "the job" "the desire to have my own place" - He knew He knew - So letting someone else take over - and me in the passenger seat will be interesting
This has been my journey and some of it has transpired - maybe it will for you - The original was written over 2 years ago this was the update - so my darling may this show that your loved and accepted all in one pretty package
Lisa aka Tigz
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